by Sandy | Feb 25, 2018 | Enneagram, MBTI Facts, Reiss Motivation Profile
Here is a question I received about reactions to needy people. Perhaps this also strikes a chord with you?
I run like crazy away from people that I see as needy or clingy. It’s top of mind right now because I went on a date last night and decided that the guy was insecure and needy and would need a lot of “coddling” and “taking care of”, and I thought, “I’m out of here; I so don’t want to do that for someone.”
But then I thought that when I have been in relationships – with guys that didn’t come across as needy – I *love* taking care of them. I go out of my way to do nice things and look out for them. But they need to not need it in order for me to want to do it.
I’ve noticed this in work contexts too – I don’t like working with people if I get a needy feeling from them; in fact, the more they say they need me the more I withdraw.
Any Enneagram 5 or INTJ/INFJ light that you would like to shed on this?
Since this reaction to needy people has also come up for me, I am curious to have a l look at what might be happening.
Through the lens of the MBTI
What first came to mind was the possible reaction that someone with a preference for Thinking might have toward someone with a preference for Feeling. For the Thinking type decision making is made through objective analysis and the more internal process of the Feeling preference can seem slow, inefficient, unreliable or illogical which could be interpreted as being “needy”.
People who may have a preference for Feeling but are out-of-preference on one or two aspects might also react in a similar fashion. My out-of preference for the Tough side of the Tough-Tender aspect of Thinking-Feeling has made some people’s “weighing all aspects” time consuming process seem exasperatingly slow and “bleeding-heart” . I avoid “needy” people because my fear is that they won’t stand on their own two feet and make the decisions that are necessary to make for themselves.
Through the lens of the Enneagram
I am wondering if some of this reaction is due to the level of development of the person. Any type who is unhealthy can elicit red flags warning us to steer clear. Riso and Hudson have done a wonderful job in describing the healthy and unhealthy states for each type.
The Enneagram Five is the type most likely to have radar that would signal that a needy person would impinge on their peace of mind. Feelings and emotion interfere with the Fives detached observer stance and is the number one thing to be avoided.
The Enneagram Eight would have a more assertive reaction to the needy person. Rather than withdrawing and avoiding them they would deal with someone who wasn’t willing to stand up and try in a direct manner. While an underdog who is willing to fight for themselves is championed, anyone who clings and shows their belly might be told to “Get a life.”
Each type would react differently to people perceived as being needy and I am curious about how people of other types react. It would be great to hear your perspective.
Through the lens of the Reiss Desire Profile
When I was pondering my response to this query, the insights from the Reiss Desire Profile leapt to mind. Three of the 16 basic psychological needs might each have some influence here: the need for Acceptance, the need for Independence and the need for Social Contact.
The need for Acceptance relates to the need for approval. Anyone with a high need in this area can be seen as being needy. If you happen to have this as a need, you will never succeed in making it disappear. What you can do is recognize and accept it and design ways to get this need filled. Part of the trouble comes when people expect others in their inner circle, at work or random contacts to accommodate this need instead of being intentional in getting it met.
How does one do that? I’m not sure what would work for any individual but perhaps an example will help get the wheels turning. Mary Kay Cosmetics in the hay day of building their organization gave away pink Cadillacs plus many other public ways of showing recognition in a culture based on Acceptance. If someone can get their need met in one aspect of their life they will not have to generalize it to every situation.
Imagine that you are someone with a low need for Acceptance, a high need for Independence and a low need for Social Contact… if this profile or any combination of these desires fits you think about how you typically react to needy people.
What if we could use the information we glean from assessment tools to shift our reactions from personal to objective, we might reduce the temptation to judge or blame and instead get curious about what we can learn about how to work with people of all levels and types of needs.
by Sandy | Feb 20, 2018 | Reiss Motivation Profile
Let’s suppose that you were told that Vengeance was one of your motivators. People often frame this in a more personal way as “I am vengeful.” Would you have a reaction to this in your profile?
When you are working with personality assessments, you need to make sure that everyone understands the meaning of the terminology being used in a particular circumstance. As a general rule the terms used to describe personality types or traits are neutral and imply no preferred value.
According to the Reiss Motivation Profile Vengeance is the desire to get even with others, the need to strike back. Aggression in animals is an example of the evolutionary basis of vengeance. The emotions associated with vengeance are anger and hate. At a primal level high desire for vengeance is and “eye for an eye” view of life. Another way of looking at this is that these high vengeance people believe that “it’s up to you” and the best way to do things is to simply take charge and get things done. A word that could also be used to describe vengeance that is more palatable is competitive. This motivation can propel sports teams to victory or turn around a failing organization. However, we all know people who love to argue just for the sake of it. There is pleasure for them in pushing back, sparring and defending their position. They love to prove other people wrong. On the downside this is the territory of dictators and despots.
On the other side of the scale, at the low end of the scale, people who score low in “Vengeance” are agreeable and will turn the other cheek. There are some people who wouldn’t strike back even if their life was in danger. This type of person may find that others take advantage of them.
These traits do not go away. If we don’t find a positive, constructive way to get these needs met they will raise their heads in possibly ugly ways. Rather than judging a desire such as “Vengeance” as negative or troublesome design a way to to get this need met such as regular athletic competition. If this is a trait you recognize in others, can you see the positive contribution?
As a sidebar: This painting was part of a show of paintings that I did based on the Reiss. A man came into the gallery and as he was reading the list of 16 core motivators on the Reiss profile, he came to argue with me about Vengeance. He said that he didn’t believe in it as it wasn’t necessary. If anyone got in his way he just “dealt” with them. As he turned to see the artwork hanging in the show, this painting caught his eye and without knowing that it that represented “Vengeance”, he told me that he liked THIS one.
Each letter is made from quotes that capture the energy of “Vengeance” such as “If you aren’t the lead dog the scenery never changes.” I resisted the urge to say “Gotcha” (barely).
by Sandy | Jan 23, 2018 | MBTI Facts, Reiss Motivation Profile
I would love to hear your thoughts on how Introverts in general (or particularly, my INTJ/INFJ self) can go about self-marketing – promoting their own business – in a way that feels right to them. When talking to people and working a crowd isn’t your thing (in fact, the very idea downright exhausts you), what’s the best way to put the word out there about your own business?
My first response is “I have no idea” because this is something that I struggle with myself. What has helped me to understand my own particular dynamic came from looking at the Reiss Desire Profile. The Reiss looks at 16 core motivators – two of which contribute to my own challenges in putting my work “out there”. One is that I have a high need for ACCEPTANCE. You can imagine how that messes up the risk taking required to put my offer on the table. Thoughts of “will I be rejected… what if …” I really don’t need to go on here- I am sure that you get the picture.
The second is my low need for POWER. People who have a high need and are comfortable with POWER just keep going. This trait contributes to a certain kind of resilience that does not see obstacles, interruptions or breakdowns as anything other than hurdles. My low POWER often stops me from even starting. So that even though I have a preference for Extraversion it is not clear in certain circumstances and I experience the same result as you describe.
So we are left with… what if you are not a natural self-marketer? My first advice is not to listen to others advice on this. There are marketing professionals galore who will tell you to follow their 10 easy steps to success. Sure their system works if (and only if) you are wired the same way they are. The question as you so aptly put it is – what will work for you?
There is often an assumption that if you are a solopreneur you have to do “everything” yourself. Perhaps this is an assumption worth investigating. How can you design a model for your business that handles attracting business in another way? I would love to simply leave that question open for you to percolate but let me give you some examples. In my business, part of my strategy is to I collaborate with other coaches and consultants who need what I have to offer but who don’t want to do the parts that I love to do – one on one coaching focused on leadership development. In some cases the reason for collaborating for certain consultants is that I offer a “value add” that contributes to expanding their repetoire. Imagine being able to offer visioning through arts based activities to clients who are seeking innovative approaches. What this means is that instead of focusing on marketing myself to individual clients my business design focuses on finding consultancies where I can play a needed role. Usually I don’t need to do anything because consultants recognize the value of my offer or they don’t – it’s simple.
In a whole other approach, I have written about how online marketing and social media can support those with a preference for Introversion. You can read more about that in a previous post where Denise Wakeman points out that she has created one on one relationships with people online in her own way at her own pace. This approach has facilitated a natural transition to presenting in public as so many in the audience are people with whom she already has a one to one relationship. Denise and her partner Patsi, both have a preference for Introversion and have designed their business building to compliment their preferences.
It might be an interesting exercise for you to flesh out your assumptions about self-marketing and then to get curious about how you could reach out to others to design a business model that leveraged your natural traits and preferences and let others do the heavy lifting where you aren’t comfortable.
Of course there is always the larger question – is being a solopreneur right for you? Is there a different way to do the work you love in another context?
