Here is a question I received about reactions to needy people. Perhaps this also strikes a chord with you?
I run like crazy away from people that I see as needy or clingy. It’s top of mind right now because I went on a date last night and decided that the guy was insecure and needy and would need a lot of “coddling” and “taking care of”, and I thought, “I’m out of here; I so don’t want to do that for someone.”
But then I thought that when I have been in relationships – with guys that didn’t come across as needy – I *love* taking care of them. I go out of my way to do nice things and look out for them. But they need to not need it in order for me to want to do it.
I’ve noticed this in work contexts too – I don’t like working with people if I get a needy feeling from them; in fact, the more they say they need me the more I withdraw.
Any Enneagram 5 or INTJ/INFJ light that you would like to shed on this?
Since this reaction to needy people has also come up for me, I am curious to have a l look at what might be happening.
Through the lens of the MBTI
What first came to mind was the possible reaction that someone with a preference for Thinking might have toward someone with a preference for Feeling. For the Thinking type decision making is made through objective analysis and the more internal process of the Feeling preference can seem slow, inefficient, unreliable or illogical which could be interpreted as being “needy”.
People who may have a preference for Feeling but are out-of-preference on one or two aspects might also react in a similar fashion. My out-of preference for the Tough side of the Tough-Tender aspect of Thinking-Feeling has made some people’s “weighing all aspects” time consuming process seem exasperatingly slow and “bleeding-heart” . I avoid “needy” people because my fear is that they won’t stand on their own two feet and make the decisions that are necessary to make for themselves.
Through the lens of the Enneagram
I am wondering if some of this reaction is due to the level of development of the person. Any type who is unhealthy can elicit red flags warning us to steer clear. Riso and Hudson have done a wonderful job in describing the healthy and unhealthy states for each type.
The Enneagram Five is the type most likely to have radar that would signal that a needy person would impinge on their peace of mind. Feelings and emotion interfere with the Fives detached observer stance and is the number one thing to be avoided.
The Enneagram Eight would have a more assertive reaction to the needy person. Rather than withdrawing and avoiding them they would deal with someone who wasn’t willing to stand up and try in a direct manner. While an underdog who is willing to fight for themselves is championed, anyone who clings and shows their belly might be told to “Get a life.”
Each type would react differently to people perceived as being needy and I am curious about how people of other types react. It would be great to hear your perspective.
Through the lens of the Reiss Desire Profile
When I was pondering my response to this query, the insights from the Reiss Desire Profile leapt to mind. Three of the 16 basic psychological needs might each have some influence here: the need for Acceptance, the need for Independence and the need for Social Contact.
The need for Acceptance relates to the need for approval. Anyone with a high need in this area can be seen as being needy. If you happen to have this as a need, you will never succeed in making it disappear. What you can do is recognize and accept it and design ways to get this need filled. Part of the trouble comes when people expect others in their inner circle, at work or random contacts to accommodate this need instead of being intentional in getting it met.
How does one do that? I’m not sure what would work for any individual but perhaps an example will help get the wheels turning. Mary Kay Cosmetics in the hay day of building their organization gave away pink Cadillacs plus many other public ways of showing recognition in a culture based on Acceptance. If someone can get their need met in one aspect of their life they will not have to generalize it to every situation.
Imagine that you are someone with a low need for Acceptance, a high need for Independence and a low need for Social Contact… if this profile or any combination of these desires fits you think about how you typically react to needy people.
What if we could use the information we glean from assessment tools to shift our reactions from personal to objective, we might reduce the temptation to judge or blame and instead get curious about what we can learn about how to work with people of all levels and types of needs.
Oh yes Virigina, we all project aspects of ourselves onto others – both the good and the shadow. This is an unconscious act propelled by our defence mechanisms. This focusing outward to look for the source of what is happening leads us to give positive attribution to others for the things that we like about ourselves and conversely hold some others who share the qualities that we deem as negative in a bad light. Each Enneagram type will project according to the worldview of their type: for example, sixes reading the danger in the other. Hopefully we grow to realize that we often misread reality in this way. Although we may recognize that projection exists, this awareness does not give us a “Get out of jail free” card from projecting. We evolve, but few of us transcend our human foibles.
I recently had the pleasure of introducing the Enneagram to a Grade Nine student. I was “cautiously optimistic” in my own very Sixish way that this would be something that would be of value to her. Remember back in high school and the minefield of relationships that that environment holds… projection on steroids. My hope was that understanding the Enneagram would shift things from a view that “somethings wrong with me or somethings wrong with them” to having an understanding of nine different worldviews. In that light different behaviour and beliefs makes sense.
One of the things that we used were the Enneagram Institute’s Enneagram cards which were valuable in having a conversation about various aspects of personality, how we all process differently and levels of health in individuals. It was exciting to see someone curious, quick and open to learning and the difference it made in having the Enneagram explain what might be happening in the interactions between various types. Perhaps the halls won’t of the local high school won’t appear as much as a jungle when armed with a roadmap of the inhabitants.
Just in case you think that you are far far removed from how you reacted in high school… When was the last time that you were in a meeting or waiting at a service counter and thought that someone was out to yank your chain on purpose? Hmmmm…..
A major feature of your personality is to find more work for yourself as soon as the pressure lightens. Notice this tendency in yourself today. (Personality Types, 232)
I had to laugh. Well because it is true for the most part. My theory is that we become accustomed to a certain state in our bodies and the adrenaline that is generated from having something on my plate lets me know that I am alive. I love the energy of “Get’ er done!!!” Or at least that’s my warped thinking about how accomplishing tasks gives me energy and life purpose .
The flow of chemicals after a long walk in nature, laughing with friends, watching a sunset or snuggling under a blanket with some classical music and a fire is equally enlivening. The trick is to be at choice and not on auto-pilot.
Seth Godin, author of Linchpin and my blog of choice each day talks about the limitations imposed by the fear originating in what he calls our lizard brain.
“The lizard is a physical part of your brain, the pre-historic lump near the brain stem that is responsible for fear and rage and reproductive drive.”
This fear shows up as resistance that infects the voice in our head we listen to telling us “to go slow, be careful, not to risk, not to try, not to rock the boat, not to stand out etc. etc,)
There is a distinction I would like to add to Seth’s wisdom that comes from understanding the instinctual subtypes of the Enneagram. In other words we are not all created equal in our motivation in this area. We are driven by needs for intimacy, for social needs and for security, safety and self care or self preservation needs. BUT we do not have these in the same intensity or priority. You can watch the clip of Enneagram author Helen Palmer above http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D86IVsoiqTE
If you recognize that self preservation or security needs are highly important to you, you need to factor that into how you decide what to listen to. These needs are not going to go away nor can you simply dismiss them. However, it seems to me that people with strong security needs often pay a price that they don’t acknowledge consciously. They will stay in a relationship or difficult work situation long past the time to take action because the familiar discomfort of the current conditions seems less painful than the discomfort of the what is unknown and insecure.
Avoiding is not a strategy or plan that works long term. Don’t wait for a crisis in order to make a plan of action. You can make a plan that is rational and well considered and respectful of who you are as a person. Sacrificing your power by relinquishing the steering wheel for the illusion of safety is anything but safe.
